getting back to normal

What is normal, anyway?

My one year cancerversary was last week, and I decided to change a couple things on the blog. Since I have changed a lot over the course of the year, then my blog should reflect those changes. One thing I still need to do is to change my profile picture. I do not resemble that person at all anymore. My outside has changed substantially, but I have also changed on the inside. Can anyone see that? Does that show? What do people notice? You might say that I'm a stronger person, more courageous and brave. You might say that my inner strength shines in my eyes. If you say those things about me, thank you. How I really feel, deep inside, is a sense of disconnection with the world. I am not my "normal" self anymore. I am not where I thought I would be at this time of my life. Well, I am still alive; that was always the plan! No, really, though - last fall, I had plans to get back to work. That plan quickly went out the window with all that happened. If I had already been working, I might have pushed myself to keep going, but to go out and look for work, no. So, I'm finished treatment, but life seems to have passed me by.

I had a really hum drum week after I finished radiation. I wanted someone to tell me that I am done, that I am cured. Of course, no one will say that. What now? I have to wait five years to know that I am probably in remission. If the cancer hasn't come back by then, it probably won't. For the next five years, though, I have to wait and see. I guess I will always be waiting. I should have held a big party to celebrate the end of treatment. My family celebrated with me, but I should have held an all-out, invite everyone, grand partay. That would have snapped my out of the doldrums a bit sooner.

I did snap out of it, and was happy to catch up with friends. Commuting four hours a day doesn't leave much time for socializing! I had an appointment for November 10 to meet with my plastic surgeon to discuss plans for reconstruction. That was not to be, however. Two weeks after my last radiation session, the orthopaedic surgeon called with a surgery date for my ankle repair - November 10. I would like to have had more time to prepare, but at the same time, I was very happy to get my ankle fixed. He was going to repair my stretched and torn ligaments - a brostrom repair. As I looked into the procedure, I realized I would be spending some time in a cast. Six weeks, to be exact. It's my right ankle. No driving. Now, I have the same issue I had when I was away every day in Victoria for radiation, but in reverse. I still can't hang out with friends, or do regular things like errands, and volunteer at school. I'm home all the time, but can't get a lot done. Crutches are a pain. What a whiner, eh? I am looking forward to hiking again. It is a relief to put this ankle business behind me. At least I know what the future holds for me in that department.

My appointment with the plastic surgeon had to be put off until January 10. I wonder how long his surgical waiting list is. My Mom sent me an article about regrowing breast tissue. Wouldn't that be fabulous? If you're interested, here's the article.

So getting back to normal is a challenge, especially when things beyond my control keep messing with me. Maybe, though, I don't want to be normal. I just want to be me.