getting back to normal

What is normal, anyway?

My one year cancerversary was last week, and I decided to change a couple things on the blog. Since I have changed a lot over the course of the year, then my blog should reflect those changes. One thing I still need to do is to change my profile picture. I do not resemble that person at all anymore. My outside has changed substantially, but I have also changed on the inside. Can anyone see that? Does that show? What do people notice? You might say that I'm a stronger person, more courageous and brave. You might say that my inner strength shines in my eyes. If you say those things about me, thank you. How I really feel, deep inside, is a sense of disconnection with the world. I am not my "normal" self anymore. I am not where I thought I would be at this time of my life. Well, I am still alive; that was always the plan! No, really, though - last fall, I had plans to get back to work. That plan quickly went out the window with all that happened. If I had already been working, I might have pushed myself to keep going, but to go out and look for work, no. So, I'm finished treatment, but life seems to have passed me by.

I had a really hum drum week after I finished radiation. I wanted someone to tell me that I am done, that I am cured. Of course, no one will say that. What now? I have to wait five years to know that I am probably in remission. If the cancer hasn't come back by then, it probably won't. For the next five years, though, I have to wait and see. I guess I will always be waiting. I should have held a big party to celebrate the end of treatment. My family celebrated with me, but I should have held an all-out, invite everyone, grand partay. That would have snapped my out of the doldrums a bit sooner.

I did snap out of it, and was happy to catch up with friends. Commuting four hours a day doesn't leave much time for socializing! I had an appointment for November 10 to meet with my plastic surgeon to discuss plans for reconstruction. That was not to be, however. Two weeks after my last radiation session, the orthopaedic surgeon called with a surgery date for my ankle repair - November 10. I would like to have had more time to prepare, but at the same time, I was very happy to get my ankle fixed. He was going to repair my stretched and torn ligaments - a brostrom repair. As I looked into the procedure, I realized I would be spending some time in a cast. Six weeks, to be exact. It's my right ankle. No driving. Now, I have the same issue I had when I was away every day in Victoria for radiation, but in reverse. I still can't hang out with friends, or do regular things like errands, and volunteer at school. I'm home all the time, but can't get a lot done. Crutches are a pain. What a whiner, eh? I am looking forward to hiking again. It is a relief to put this ankle business behind me. At least I know what the future holds for me in that department.

My appointment with the plastic surgeon had to be put off until January 10. I wonder how long his surgical waiting list is. My Mom sent me an article about regrowing breast tissue. Wouldn't that be fabulous? If you're interested, here's the article.

So getting back to normal is a challenge, especially when things beyond my control keep messing with me. Maybe, though, I don't want to be normal. I just want to be me.

I'm a Rad Grad

Yesterday was my last day of radiation. I travelled four hours daily for 28 treatments. I actually looked forward to my time spent in the van. The fellow passengers and the drivers became part of my support network. The radiation therapists were all fabulous. so were the doctors and nurses. I have continued to feel for the first five weeks. I wasn't tired, and my skin remained healthy and pink. During the last week however, I did start to suffer. A couple places turned an angry red colour, then black, then the skin started peeling away. Not nice and a bit painful, but manageable. I've got an assortment of creams and ointments to repair the damage. All in all, the experience was a positive one, but I'm still glad to be done.

I lay in bed this morning listening to the kids getting ready for school. I finally got up around 8:00 am to make their lunches, then drove them to school. I've returned to a quiet house; it's just the dog and me. I'm going to spend today in a comfy t-shirt and no bra. I'm going to drink coffee and read my book (Echo in the Bone by Diana Gabaldon). I'm hoping to finish it before I meet "herself" tomorrow!! Imagine meeting DG in the flesh! For a book lover, to meet one's favourite author is quite the celebration, and I have lots to celebrate.

driving, driving, driving, and a walk

Our family did the "Run for the Cure" on Sunday. It was a beautiful day; we saw many people we knew, and met many new friends. I can tell you that these days, I much prefer walking to driving! With radiation sessions two hours away, I will be glad when this daily commute will be over. OK - first the pictures of Sunday's walk/run. I must add that Norm and the girls ran the 5km route, (even Evelynne) while I walked it. Oh well, there's always next year, and I'm so glad for that.

My pal Wanda

As for radiation, it's going well. I have completed 19 sessions and have 9 more to go. My last day will be the 20th of October. I am feeling a bit more tired than usual, but that could be due to the travel. My skin has only just started to turn a bit red and itchy. The doctor is pleased and so am I, and the driving isn't really that bad. It's actually kind of fun. A society called "Wheels for Wellness" picks me up every morning, drives to the clinic in Victoria , then returns me to my home in the afternoon. Most of the drivers are retired truckers or bus drivers, and many of the passengers are retired as well. Not all go to the Cancer Clinic - many are travelling to specialist appointments. At first, I didn't think I would like all the chatting, but I am enjoying it. If I don't feel like talking, I've always got my book and iPod. I've even made a friend - Bill. He's 76 and lives in Parksville. He also commutes every day, and we seem to be on the same van most days. He's having radiation in a room down the hall from me. He was away sick for all of last week, which caused me a great deal of worry. It was sure nice to open the door to the van yesterday and see him sitting there.

Last Friday, Evelynne and Rosalie came with me (they had no school). Mom drove us down and waited in the waiting room, but the girls got invited into the treatment room. They got to come inside while I was being positioned, and the techs were so good at explaining everything. While I was being zapped, Rosalie and Evelynne went to the control room to watch me on the monitor. I think they really enjoyed themselves.

That's about it for now. We're getting through each day. With Norm away in school, it is a challenge. I'm glad Mom is here this week to help out.