the biggest risk I took today

I was in and out of the hospital in no time flat. Norm took me in for 9:45 am, and I was out by 4:00 pm. Surgery was late to start, I got going about 1:00 pm and was waking up in the recovery room at 2:30 pm. No pain, just a little stiff in my back. I am assuming it went well, however, the normal course of events didn't go as per usual, so I feel a bit off. I saw Dr. B once before I went in the OR, but not again. I was already out to sleep before he came in, and I did not see him after the surgery either. It's funny how this disruption in my preferred pattern has me feeling off. What's worse is that I even have a pattern in my surgeries. Geesh. This is number 6 since May.

Do you want to hear something funny? Two nights ago, I felt a lump in my non-breast. This part is actually not funny, but the story has a funny ending. I am accustomed to checking for lumps and bumps, and I know what I should feel like. You may remember that this is how I found the cancer in the first place. While still at the Lake, I felt a hard lump at the bottom edge of the tissue expander. I went back and forth between that breast and the other; no, there definitely is not a corresponding lump on the left side. Not again! OK, I thought. It's pretty small, so I will have caught it in time. I'll ask Dr. B to have a look at it when he opens me up. While I did not get to the panic stage, the lump was on my mind for two days. I kept it to myself, not wanting to worry anyone. So, I'm prepped for surgery, and Dr. B comes in to make his markings on me. He says, "I bet you'll be glad to get this port out." O my gosh! I start laughing and tell him that I had thought it was a new lump. He says, "That's not the kind of thought to be having. When did you figure it out?" "Just now! I have stewed about it for the past two days."  What a goof I am. I chuckled the whole way down the hall to the OR.

As for my big risk, I must admit it. I really couldn't help myself. I played the piano this evening. It was Beethoven.

Thank you my dear friends. I'm learning.

choices

It hit me last night, the reason why I do the things I do. It's because I want to regain my power to choose. Whatever it  may be, anything. I played tennis with my drains in because I wanted to, and I could. It wasn't a rousing game against Maria Sharapova, but a fun game with hubby and little daughters. Yesterday, when I went for my fill at the hospital, the nurse came to get me and asked if I wanted a gown. I instantly said no. I don't have anything against those hospital gowns, in fact I like the smell of the laundry soap they use. I said no because I could, because I was given a choice. During this past year and a half, my power to choose has been taken away from me. I couldn't go on the hiking trip we had planned on last summer, I couldn't return to work when I wanted, nor I could I take care of my family the way I wanted. So many things were dictated by my health. I feel like I have been on the sidelines for so long, that now, when I can choose to do something I want, I am ready for it. I am the toddler, stomping her foot, demanding her way.

Another part of the problem is that I don't feel pain like most people. Lucky, or unlucky, I'm not sure. I have skied out the day with a broken thumb and torn ligaments. I have broken my elbow and not realized it until the next day. I have sprained my ankle badly enough to tear the ligaments and not remember how it happened. I cannot answer the nurses when asked to rate my pain on a scale of 1 to 10. They ask to rate my current pain against the worst pain I have ever felt. Well, I have never experienced horrible pain. What's the worst? A sprained ankle? A broken thumb? Childbirth? None of those things really hurt, so how do I answer?  So, I have to estimate what a normal person would feel and try to be more conservative in my activities. I promise to be more careful, after my skydiving lessons are completed. Kidding.

I was called this morning at 7:00 am to go for an ultrasound of the breast to check the placement of the expander. It turns out the the expander has found its way under my armpit and around to my back, under my shoulder blade. How attractive. You may have heard of a foob - a fake book, and a toob - a tissue transfer boob. I have an apoob - an armpit boob. I wouldn't recommend one.

I stopped in to see Dr. B after the ultrasound, to sign the surgical consent form, and to show him the markings the tech drew on me, marking my expander. He told me I have the "complication gene". For some people, things just seem to go awry. He thanked me for being a good patient, for laughing in the face of all these issues. He has no doubt I will come through this surgery just fine, ready to do something else to make him cringe. Nothing like having Doogie Howser wag his finger at you.

back home

I'm going to give you the quick timeline version of my crazy week.

• Monday, May 17th. I went in for my "muscle-sparing free tram flap" surgery. It was a complete success. Here's a good article on breast reconstruction.
• Thursday, the 20th (three days early), I was discharged from hospital. The surgeon called me his star patient. I felt great. No pain at all.
• Took it easy at home for the rest of Thursday.
• Friday, Mom drove me to the store to pick up some loose-fitting sweat pants and tops. Was a bit tired, so it was a very short trip.
• Friday evening, Norm and I went to get some groceries. I didn't carry anything or overwork myself at all.
• Came home, got my jammies on, and noticed that the new tissue had changed to a dark pink colour.
• Norm took me to emergency Friday night. My surgeon was out of town, so the plastic surgeon-on-call (the same one who assisted with my surgery on Monday) came in to see me. He didn't like to looks of the tissue, so he decided to operate. At this point, the flap was still viable; the colour was not too bad, and the blood flow could still be heard with the Doppler. His thought was that too much fluid had accumulated in the breast and was causing the blood flow to become constricted. This surgery happened around 1:00 am Saturday.
• I was admitted to hospital on strict bed rest instructions. Dr. Robinson decided on a second surgery for Saturday afternoon, after having reached my own PS, Dr. Barnsley, by phone. They thought that perhaps a blood vein was twisted. Although in Lucas' blog, he says I had chest pain, there was in fact no pain at all. 
• By Sunday, it was clear that the tissue transfer was failing. Although the blood flow could still be heard, it was becoming more faint. Dr. Barnsley arrived in town and swung by the hospital to have a look at me. He would operate Tuesday to remove the tissue. It had turned a dark purple colour by now.
• I had my 4th surgery in eight days on Tuesday at 9:00 pm. 
• Was discharged Wednesday, May 26th with the plan of returning on Monday, May 31st to try a new method of reconstruction. This time, my latissimus dorsi muscle and skin from my back would be brought around front to cover a saline tissue expander in the breast area.  

I'll give a more detailed version over the next few days. I am doing fine. I have had no pain through the whole episode, so for that, I am very fortunate. I'm pretty tired today, I guess from all the anesthetic, but I'm in good spirits. I'm back to where I started last week - lop-sided! Actually I'm one step ahead, because I now have a nice flat tummy!

Thanks for all your good wishes and kind thoughts. A special thanks to the local folks who visited me in hospital, and snuck in food, good coffee, and books. A big thank you to my fellow book lover, Janik, and her pretty pink Kindle. 

Nice day today, eh? until I found out that Jackie is in the hospital again, that is.
She went in last night around 9 o'clock, and they called her surgeon to come see her. He didnt seem too concerned at first, but as her condition grew worse, he started to look closer into the cause of her discomfort. Later that night, around one o'clock, he called in a team and set up the operating room, and they re-did her surgery. Thankfully, the hospital is still open to visitors, so we are planning to go see her today.
We still do not know how for sure how long she will have to stay there this time, but I expect that she will have to stay there until monday or tuesday, at the very least.
Jackie just called, and apparently she is going to have another surgery in the next few hours, to fix a pain in her chest, most likley caused by a kinked blood vessel. Hopefully it wont take too long.

A good start to a 6 night stay...

Quote from Victoria:
-"Is it like the Spa?? I mean, do they cook and bring your food to you whenever you like?" Victoria's view of going to the hospital is obviously quite different as from mine, and many others as well. I would think that she is the only person that I know who made a joke out of the fact that Jackie gets a 6 night stay at the hospital. Anyways, I'll get on to the important stuff now.

It is 5:30, and we are about to eat dinner. I have both good and bad news to share with you, and in hopes of keeping everyone happy, I'll start with the positive :-)

Earlier today, I received a phone call from the hospital about Jackie. It was from the doctor, and he said that she did excellent during the surgery, and that she had moved on to the recovery room. Norm went to say hi, and from what he has told me, she looks, feels and is doing great.

Much as I hate to be the bearer of bad news, I must inform you that there is a severe case of the norovirus at the hospital, and there have already been over 20 cases of it. Because of this, NO VISITORS are allowed at the hospital.


Lucas